Bryan Cranston Begs You to Suckle at his Bosom

Bryan Cranston has created a bit of controversy recently by begging his fans to suckle at his bosom.

"I urge you to suckle at my honey-sweet teat," he said recently in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party's Snookie Corderoy. "The milk of my talent will sweep you away to a land of complete and utter ecstasy."

When expressing her concerns about his request, Cranston assured her that he grooms his chest hair quite frequently, and that fans would probably only get "a little bit of fuzz in their mouths." A fact that one fan, who asked to be referred to as Francis, can attest to.

"I met Bryan at ComiCon last month and he offered me a taste of his sweet man nipple nectar. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted, like milk and honey, and a tad bit of cinnamon and brown sugar, just melting in my mouth. I didn't want to let go -- I didn't want that moment to end."

When the actor is not offering up his teats to fans, he advocates for facial mole acceptance.

"When I'd had my fill, he handed me a bit of fine-grade sandpaper and offered me the opportunity to polish his mole," said Francis. "It was absolutely the most exhilarating experience of my life. What a guy. Definitely worth the money I paid to meet him."

So what does this mean for you -- yes, YOU -- ye fans of Cranston?

Don't be afraid to ask to nip at his nipples.

Bryan Cranston loves his fans and wants to make them happy, and if this requires offering his body up to them, well then he's only happy to oblige.

"To me, offering my teat to the fans is the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate showcase of love and gratitude. There's no greater feeling than that of a beloved fan gently tittering away at my nipples.

"Don't all line up at once," he added. "My nipples do get tender and require some down time to recover."

David Bowie: Forget About the Baby

Forget about the baby, and feast your eyes on the bulge.

David Bowie, famous for his love-affair with Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger and his role as Jareth the Goblin King, has been accused of stealing babies from Sydney, Australia.

"He was here last September, and a sprog disappeared," Keyth Urban claimed, in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party. "And then he was here last Christmas and another one was gone by the seaside."

Urban didn't divulge who the lost babies were, or where exactly it was they disappeared from, but he "just knows it's him (Bowie.)" 

 "I mean, with a bulge like that... who knows how many carpet grubs he's stolen?"

Aussie native Male Gibbons also noted that the missing babes coincided with Bowie's last appearance.

"I've never seen a man beat the snake, but somehow he did. And now these sprogs are missing? It's him, it's gotta be him, it's gotta.

"I mean crikey, the chap's wearing nappies. Snatchin' 'em right out of the carry cot, I reckon."

David Bowie was not available for comment. 

Lost City of Atlantis Found Inside Judd Nelson’s Nose

A recent archeological dig has uncovered the Lost City of Atlantis lodged inside actor Judd Nelson’s naval cavity.

 “This is an amazing discovery,” lead archeologist Indiana Jones proclaimed, in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party. “All these years we’ve been looking, and all this time it was right in front of us on the silver screen – who knew?”

Judd Nelson himself claimed to be in a state of shock, but not the least bit surprised, at the archeologists find.

 “I knew there was something going on up there,” he told Chaperone Party’s lead editor Snookie Corderoy. “I mean, with nostrils this size, how could there not be a lost civilization or two hanging out up there?”

Experts first suspected that the Lost City of Atlantis was dwelling in Nelson's nose after he sneezed out the mummified remains of an Atlantean two months ago.

Excavations are scheduled to resume after Nelson consults his Nose, Throat and Ear specialist.