Who ever said fame can go to your head? While it’s not uncommon for celebrities to have a cranium full of hot air, George Clooney’s takes the cake- or rather, turkey. On Thursday thousands of New Yorkers and viewers at home were surprised with the appearance of George Clooney’s head in the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
“It just… floated in there!” one bystander exclaimed in awe. “Right between Snoopy and Big Bird… nobody was expecting it! How’d he do it? I knew celebrities had special powers, but this was just magical!” Another spectator agreed whole-heartedly.
“It was the greatest thing I ever heard of,” she said through tears. “I never in a million years expected to see something this big- bigger than you or me, even. It was life changing, I tell you. The gods have blessed us on this day, and are reminding us to give thanks- that’s the true meaning of Thanksgiving. The Lord giveth and the good Lord taketh away.”
Yet several bystanders had an entirely different view.
“Poppycock!” one elderly gentleman honked into his handkerchief. “That’s what it was- pure and utter poppycock! Nobody gives a hoot about George Clooney- this is just some gimmick to get you to give him more money! Well, he can have it- but first I’m gonna put my foot up his ass!”
“He doesn’t have an ass!” another nearby gentleman yelled. “How can you kick his ass if he’s just a big, giant head?”
“He’s got an ass somewhere!” the former man spat. “And when I find it, I’m a-gonna kick it!”
One group of middle aged women were so moved to tears they found it difficult to speak.
“I just-- I just- I just never. I never thought I’d see this day, and here he is,” one crying woman bawled to reporters.
While George Clooney’s head’s appearance in the Macy’s parade has stirred quite a bit of controversy, Clooney assures the public that was not his intentions.
“I was just about to have Thanksgiving dinner myself,” he said. “My wife had just pulled the stuffing out of the oven and we were all sitting down and getting ready to carve the bird. All of a sudden, my head started to inflate, and it got really big, really full of air. It lifted right off my shoulders- I don’t know how it did it. It just kept going up and up and up until it had no place to go. It lifted the roof off the house and took off into the sky. I guess it floated all the way to New York, where it decided to be a part of the Thanksgiving Parade. I’m pleased with it’s humanitarian efforts, but it was a bit of an inconvenience- dinner had to be postponed.”
The gigantic floating Clooney head descended upon Time Square at approximately 11:00 a.m. EST. It bobbed along the parade route for the remainder of the parade, smiling and winking at the crowd of people gathered to celebrate.
“This is the day we feast!” several witnesses reported the head as saying.
Authorities immediately contacted the Clooney family, who hopped in their private jet to claim the missing appendage. They were able to retrieve the head that evening, after the parade had ended.
“I’m just glad everything turned out all right,” Clooney stated in a public announcement. “I truly believe I have been bestowed with a gift from God, which is to bring others joy in this life. Whether that be in the form of blockbuster films, free turkey dinners, or the gift of my smile- I am just honored to do what I can.”
At least a handful of New Yorkers sang a different tune, however, with reports to the police claiming Clooney’s head floated past their kitchen windows, stealing pies cooling on the window sill.
“He just chomped the whole entire blasted thing!” an unidentified person exclaimed. “He took a big chunk out of the side of my apartment!”
Now that Clooney’s head has returned to it’s rightful owner, what is in store for the actor’s cranium?
“Well, since the holidays are almost upon us, I think I might head up north, to the pole to help Santa and his elves.” Whatever the future holds, it’s sure to cause Clooney’s popularity to swell- possibly even balloon- while bringing cheer the world over.
