David Cassidy: "These Used to Be My Teeth."

The next time you're in Vegas, be sure to stop by and see David Cassidy. If he happens to be wearing his infamous puka shells, be sure to compliment him. They may seem just like another necklace to you, but the truth is they are near and dear to his heart.

"Not  many people know this," he revealed in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party, "but, these used to be my teeth."

It's true: sadly, the chompers you now see in David's mouth are not real. He had them replaced with dentures sometime during the early 1990s, "for various reasons."
"The first one I lost, I lost in a bar fight. The second one, the cat knocked out. The third and fourth ones... broke off on beer bottles while I was in the gutter. I don't know what happened to the fifth one; it just sort of up and disappeared. The sixth one, I sent to my biggest fan. The seventh, eighth and ninth... I lost to a bet with the guys from Duran Duran. The bottom molars... I believe I donated some of those to charity. My wisdom teeth I never really had. The last tooth I officially had... tasted like grapefruit after it fell in my litter box."


That's right: David Cassidy's teeth are now fake. While many people get their teeth replaced with dentures as they decline into old age, David decided he wanted something special, something which would allow him to hold on to the ones he was born with. He wanted to create a memento of sorts.

"I thought to myself, hey man, you used to wear those puka shells all the time. Why not have my dentures crafted from those, instead of getting fitted for new teeth? Then, my necklace would be free to hold all my real teeth. I was able to make the switch a few years ago, and nobody was the wiser."

So why has he decided to come out of the  closet now?

"Well, like I said, there was one tooth, back in the '80s, that I sent to a fan. I'd kind of like to have it back." David pauses a moment to reflect. "It's lonely at the top. It's a hell of a lot lonelier without all your teeth."

David decided to come to Chaperone Party for help.
"I knew your audience was wide and varied enough that we might actually get the message across."

So listen up, dear readers: if any of you out there have one certain David Cassidy's tooth in your possession, please send it back. Submissions can be sent to:

David Cassidy's Puka Shell Project

c/o Chaperone Party magazine

P.O. Box 665

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

***Editor's Note: Due to the large volume of teeth being received here at Chaperone Party headquarters, we can no longer guarantee the safe return of any teeth that have been falsely identified. 

****Editor's Note (02/07/2012): Please stop sending fingernail clippings. (This means you Bob Villa.)

George Clooney’s Head Floats Off and Joins The Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade

    Who ever said fame can go to your head? While it’s not uncommon for celebrities to have a cranium full of hot air, George Clooney’s takes the cake- or rather, turkey. On Thursday thousands of New Yorkers and viewers at home were surprised with the appearance of George Clooney’s head in the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
“It just… floated in there!” one bystander exclaimed in awe. “Right between Snoopy and Big Bird… nobody was expecting it! How’d he do it? I knew celebrities had special powers, but this was just magical!” Another spectator agreed whole-heartedly.
 “It was the greatest thing I ever heard of,” she said through tears. “I never in a million years expected to see something this big- bigger than you or me, even. It was life changing, I tell you. The gods have blessed us on this day, and are reminding us to give thanks- that’s the true meaning of Thanksgiving. The Lord giveth and the good Lord taketh away.”
    Yet several bystanders had an entirely different view.
 “Poppycock!” one elderly gentleman honked into his handkerchief. “That’s what it was- pure and utter poppycock! Nobody gives a hoot about George Clooney- this is just some gimmick to get you to give him more money! Well, he can have it- but first I’m gonna put my foot up his ass!”
 “He doesn’t have an ass!” another nearby gentleman yelled. “How can you kick his ass if he’s just a big, giant head?”
 “He’s got an ass somewhere!” the former man spat. “And when I find it, I’m a-gonna kick it!”
    One group of middle aged women were so moved to tears they found it difficult to speak.
 “I just-- I just- I just never. I never thought I’d see this day, and here he is,” one crying woman bawled to reporters.
    While George Clooney’s head’s appearance in the Macy’s parade has stirred quite a bit of controversy, Clooney assures the public that was not his intentions.
 “I was just about to have Thanksgiving dinner myself,” he said. “My wife had just pulled the stuffing out of the oven and we were all sitting down and getting ready to carve the bird. All of a sudden, my head started to inflate, and it got really big, really full of air. It lifted right off my shoulders- I don’t know how it did it. It just kept going up and up and up until it had no place to go. It lifted the roof off the house and took off into the sky. I guess it floated all the way to New York, where it decided to be a part of the Thanksgiving Parade. I’m pleased with it’s humanitarian efforts, but it was a bit of an inconvenience- dinner had to be postponed.”
    The gigantic floating Clooney head descended upon Time Square at approximately 11:00 a.m. EST. It bobbed along the parade route for the remainder of the parade, smiling and winking at the crowd of people gathered to celebrate.
 “This is the day we feast!” several witnesses reported the head as saying.
    Authorities immediately contacted the Clooney family, who hopped in their private jet to claim the missing appendage. They were able to retrieve the head that evening, after the parade had ended.
 “I’m just glad everything turned out all right,” Clooney stated in a public announcement. “I truly believe I have been bestowed with a gift from God, which is to bring others joy in this life. Whether that be in the form of  blockbuster films, free turkey dinners, or the gift of my smile- I am just honored to do what I can.”
    At least a handful of New Yorkers sang a different tune, however, with reports to the police claiming Clooney’s head floated past their kitchen windows, stealing pies cooling on the window sill.
 “He just chomped the whole entire blasted thing!” an unidentified person exclaimed. “He took a big chunk out of the side of my apartment!”
    Now that Clooney’s head has returned to it’s rightful owner, what is in store for the actor’s cranium?
 “Well, since the holidays are almost upon us, I think I might head up north, to the pole to help Santa and his elves.” Whatever the future holds, it’s sure to cause Clooney’s popularity to swell- possibly even balloon- while bringing cheer the world over.