The next time you're in Vegas, be sure to stop by and see David Cassidy. If he happens to be wearing his infamous puka shells, be sure to compliment him. They may seem just like another necklace to you, but the truth is they are near and dear to his heart.
"Not many people know this," he revealed in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party, "but, these used to be my teeth."
It's true: sadly, the chompers you now see in David's mouth are not real. He had them replaced with dentures sometime during the early 1990s, "for various reasons."
"The first one I lost, I lost in a bar fight. The second one, the cat knocked out. The third and fourth ones... broke off on beer bottles while I was in the gutter. I don't know what happened to the fifth one; it just sort of up and disappeared. The sixth one, I sent to my biggest fan. The seventh, eighth and ninth... I lost to a bet with the guys from Duran Duran. The bottom molars... I believe I donated some of those to charity. My wisdom teeth I never really had. The last tooth I officially had... tasted like grapefruit after it fell in my litter box."
That's right: David Cassidy's teeth are now fake. While many people get their teeth replaced with dentures as they decline into old age, David decided he wanted something special, something which would allow him to hold on to the ones he was born with. He wanted to create a memento of sorts.
"I thought to myself, hey man, you used to wear those puka shells all the time. Why not have my dentures crafted from those, instead of getting fitted for new teeth? Then, my necklace would be free to hold all my real teeth. I was able to make the switch a few years ago, and nobody was the wiser."
So why has he decided to come out of the closet now?
"Well, like I said, there was one tooth, back in the '80s, that I sent to a fan. I'd kind of like to have it back." David pauses a moment to reflect. "It's lonely at the top. It's a hell of a lot lonelier without all your teeth."
David decided to come to Chaperone Party for help.
"I knew your audience was wide and varied enough that we might actually get the message across."
So listen up, dear readers: if any of you out there have one certain David Cassidy's tooth in your possession, please send it back. Submissions can be sent to:
David Cassidy's Puka Shell Project
c/o Chaperone Party magazine
P.O. Box 665
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
***Editor's Note: Due to the large volume of teeth being received here at Chaperone Party headquarters, we can no longer guarantee the safe return of any teeth that have been falsely identified.
****Editor's Note (02/07/2012): Please stop sending fingernail clippings. (This means you Bob Villa.)
