Exclusive With Marty Ross

KILT!!!

Here at Chaperone Party, we pride ourselves in offering you the latest scoop on some of your favorite teen idols. Recently, one of our reporters sat down with Marty Ross of The New Monkees. Here is the all-exclusive interview!

Chaperone Party: So, Marty, what have you been up to these past couple decades since the New Monkees went off? Any successful side projects?

Marty Ross: BARK!!!

CP: Bark, you say? What is that, the name of your current band?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Ok, Marty, bark to you, too. Let's move on to the next question, shall we. Do you stay in touch with any of your former bandmates?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: What exactly does that mean? Do the four of you maintain contact by barking?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Ok, I'm going to take that as a yes. Next question. Besides music and  television, what are your interests?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Bark? As in tree bark, or candy bark?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Ahh, so you're a fan of both. Very good. What are some of your musical inspirations?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Very profound, Marty, and may I compliment you on the use of the metaphor. As in your song "Boy Inside the Man," tree bark represents a harder, outer shell which houses a softer, sappier core within. I must say, you are quite intelligent.

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Yes, Marty, we've established this... you find inspiration from bark. Anything else inspire you?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Yeah.... you just said that,

MR: BARK!!!

CP: I don't... I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Oh, ok. Yes, it is a shame how society barks at us constantly to conform with what a secular group perceives as "normal." You definitely march to the beat of your own drummer, Marty- can you explain to us what the difference is?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: I see... I see. So you're saying that when society pushes us down and barks in your face, we should shove them aside and bark at them right back?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Excellent choice of words, sir.

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Yes, I quite agree. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we conclude this interview?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Haha, Marty, so true. So very true.

Mark Hamill Exclusive!

Mark Hamill: Say No to Tooth Decay

Just a friendly reminder from your neighborhood dentist: Just Say No To Tooth Decay.

Star Wars star Mark Hamill is a firm believer in brushing your teeth.
"Up, down, sideways or circular motion- sometimes even in squares," he stated in an interview with Chaperone Party. "Triangular toothbrushes tend not to work, because they're a little hard to fit in your mouth."

"If you want healthy teeth, you don't need a lightsaber. Just grab a brush and some toothpaste!"

Duran Duran's Keyboardist Turns Into Eggplant; May Have New Gig With California Raisins

Nick Rhodes: Diagnosed with Eggplantitus

Tragedy has struck for Duranies everywhere.

Nick Rhodes, keyboardist and songwriter for '80s supergroup Duran Duran, has been diagnosed with a rare condition which turns the skin purple.

Fans the world over are devastated, reports Duran's lead frontman, Simon LeBon.

"It's horrible, really. The fans are completely devastated, and we are devastated, too. Nick has been a brother to me for the past 30 years, and I intend to stand by him every minute of his new, tragic journey. While we wish that he could continue on indefinitely with the band, reality tells us that this simply will not be possible... as the disease progresses, he will become (less of a human and) more... like an eggplant.

Nick Rhodes seems to be keeping good spirits, despite the disaster.
"Well, you know, I always fancied the color purple," he told Chaperone Party with a giggle. "I guess now you can say it's rather becoming on me."

Former guitarist Andy Taylor sent his condolences to the band, but asked for the press to respect his privacy at this time.

"Look at the bright side," Rhodes purportedly quipped. "I hear the California Raisins are always hiring."

The Secret Life of Leif Garrett

 

Secret dog fights. Illegal Skateboarding Rings. Prostitution. Why Dick Tracy had to stop him. 

 When it comes to busting criminals, Detective Dick Tracy is no rookie. When Sgt. Bilko of the L.A. police department rang him up last January to take on the case of long-time fugitive Leif Garrett, he knew it was finally his chance to put him behind bars- where he belongs.

Tracy's long time feud with Garrett first began more than 30 years ago, on a street corner in Southern California. Leif, then a mere boy, was suspected of running an illegal skateboarding ring in the beautiful San Fernando Valley.
"I knew I had to bust that punk," Tracy recollects. However, it would be another 15 years before he could gather enough evidence to connect Garrett with the crime. Fortunately he was able to make not one, but two busts with one blow.

"That kid, he was up to no good. Running secret dog fights, an illegal skateboarding ring, selling girls for money. Somebody had to stop him."

However, Leif's altercation with the law became an ongoing chase for the next two decades.
"We had him once. Put the smuggler behind bars. Somehow, he  managed to escape. Nobody even knew he had broken out until we saw him on VH1 years later. He was hosting 8-track Flashback. We knew then that he was more clever than we thought."

Leif led Detective Tracy on a wild goose chase over the course of years, skipping from one city to another- sometimes even leaving the state. Tracy was never far behind, always hot on his trail. He finally cornered him in a subway station in 2009 and arrested him on the charges that he was "too indecent for society."

"Guys like that, they don't never change. Hard core criminals belong behind bars- and as God as my witness I intend to keep him there until my dying day."

***Update: It has been brought to Chaperone Party's attention that Leif Garrett has, in fact, somehow managed to slip through the criminal justice system once again. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, contact:

D. Tracy

1931 Gould Drive.

Moon Valley, MN 00001

MOON 

Peter Tork: Late Night Love-In's, Drugs, Nudity; How Alien Abduction Saved His Life

Peter Tork, Prior to his 1994 Abduction.

When it comes to living the rock 'n' roll life, Peter Tork is no stranger. The former Monkee has traveled the long, dirty road of a rock star for the last few centuries.

"There were a lot of drugs, a lot of loving, a whole lot of nudity," he recently told CP. "But at the end of the  day, where did it get me? All I had was my guitar and my sniffer's thumb. I used to sob myself to sleep with my thumbnail crammed up my nose."

"Basically, I was a no-good, dirty, rotten dead beat of a human being," he said when he sat down with Chaperone Party  for an all-exclusive interview. "Oh, but I thought I was enlightened!"

His wake-up call finally came in the form of an alien abduction during the mid 1990s.

"It was like, the barbarians at the gates of the Holy Roman Empire," he says of the experience. "They invaded and conquered, not only my body and mind, but also my spirit. I have been a new man ever since."

Peter doesn't like to get too personal about the experience, simply stating that it was "enlightening" and set him on the "journey of his soul." 

"I tell you what- the stars are incredibly bright when you view them from your own rooftop- and that doesn't even begin to compare with the view from space."

A lot has changed since Tork's abduction days.

"I don't go to sleep with my thumb in my nose anymore. I am able to make it upstairs to my bed like a decent human being. I don't have to sleep out with the trash." His socks, however, remain mis-matched. 

"Each person is different," he explains. "I am different now than I was then."

Peter Tork After His Abduction.