Bryan Cranston Begs You to Suckle at his Bosom

Bryan Cranston has created a bit of controversy recently by begging his fans to suckle at his bosom.

"I urge you to suckle at my honey-sweet teat," he said recently in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party's Snookie Corderoy. "The milk of my talent will sweep you away to a land of complete and utter ecstasy."

When expressing her concerns about his request, Cranston assured her that he grooms his chest hair quite frequently, and that fans would probably only get "a little bit of fuzz in their mouths." A fact that one fan, who asked to be referred to as Francis, can attest to.

"I met Bryan at ComiCon last month and he offered me a taste of his sweet man nipple nectar. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted, like milk and honey, and a tad bit of cinnamon and brown sugar, just melting in my mouth. I didn't want to let go -- I didn't want that moment to end."

When the actor is not offering up his teats to fans, he advocates for facial mole acceptance.

"When I'd had my fill, he handed me a bit of fine-grade sandpaper and offered me the opportunity to polish his mole," said Francis. "It was absolutely the most exhilarating experience of my life. What a guy. Definitely worth the money I paid to meet him."

So what does this mean for you -- yes, YOU -- ye fans of Cranston?

Don't be afraid to ask to nip at his nipples.

Bryan Cranston loves his fans and wants to make them happy, and if this requires offering his body up to them, well then he's only happy to oblige.

"To me, offering my teat to the fans is the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate showcase of love and gratitude. There's no greater feeling than that of a beloved fan gently tittering away at my nipples.

"Don't all line up at once," he added. "My nipples do get tender and require some down time to recover."

David Bowie: Forget About the Baby

Forget about the baby, and feast your eyes on the bulge.

David Bowie, famous for his love-affair with Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger and his role as Jareth the Goblin King, has been accused of stealing babies from Sydney, Australia.

"He was here last September, and a sprog disappeared," Keyth Urban claimed, in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party. "And then he was here last Christmas and another one was gone by the seaside."

Urban didn't divulge who the lost babies were, or where exactly it was they disappeared from, but he "just knows it's him (Bowie.)" 

 "I mean, with a bulge like that... who knows how many carpet grubs he's stolen?"

Aussie native Male Gibbons also noted that the missing babes coincided with Bowie's last appearance.

"I've never seen a man beat the snake, but somehow he did. And now these sprogs are missing? It's him, it's gotta be him, it's gotta.

"I mean crikey, the chap's wearing nappies. Snatchin' 'em right out of the carry cot, I reckon."

David Bowie was not available for comment. 

Lost City of Atlantis Found Inside Judd Nelson’s Nose

A recent archeological dig has uncovered the Lost City of Atlantis lodged inside actor Judd Nelson’s naval cavity.

 “This is an amazing discovery,” lead archeologist Indiana Jones proclaimed, in an all-exclusive interview with Chaperone Party. “All these years we’ve been looking, and all this time it was right in front of us on the silver screen – who knew?”

Judd Nelson himself claimed to be in a state of shock, but not the least bit surprised, at the archeologists find.

 “I knew there was something going on up there,” he told Chaperone Party’s lead editor Snookie Corderoy. “I mean, with nostrils this size, how could there not be a lost civilization or two hanging out up there?”

Experts first suspected that the Lost City of Atlantis was dwelling in Nelson's nose after he sneezed out the mummified remains of an Atlantean two months ago.

Excavations are scheduled to resume after Nelson consults his Nose, Throat and Ear specialist.

Peter Tork: I Love Potatoes!

The handsome Mr. Tork

Peter Tork, the adorable banjo picking, guitar playing dreamboat, is a mighty big fan of potatoes. When asked if he liked baked potatoes, he flashed a heart warming grin with this declaration---
“I LOVE potatoes!”
Since Peter has come forward with his potato love, many frantic fans have been bombarding Chaperone Party’s headquarters with letters, worried about what this means.
“I just know that Peter is talking about Missus Potato Head!” one Tork enthusiast wrote in a tear stained note. Many other Tork devotees seem to share in this same sentiment.

The lovely Missus Potato Head.

We here at Chaperone Party would like to reassure all  Peter admirers that there is not a grain of truth in this mash potato of a tale. While it is true that Peter has been known to hang out with Missus Potato Head on numerous occasions, Missus is totally devoted to her studly spud, Mister.

When Peter said that he loves potatoes, he means just that. So next time you bite into a French fry, just think of Peter, enjoying the same food as you. It should be noted, however, that Peter avoids all tomato products because of the sensitivity it can cause to the joints, so he won’t be dunking those fries in ketchup. But before you weep at the thought of Peter eating his fries plain, rest assure that ranch dressing is quite tasty as condimental substitute, as is horseradish sauce.

And now as a bonus treat, here is a sure-fire recipe for baked potatoes that will knock yours and Peter’s mismatched socks off!

Peter’s Perfect Baked Potato

one good sized potato

butter or margarine

salt and pepper (for seasoning)

a dollop of sour cream

cheese (which ever type is your favorite!)

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C). Scrub the potato, and pierce the skin several times with a knife or fork.
2. Place the potato in the preheated oven, and bake for 90 minutes, or until slightly soft and golden brown. Slice the potato down the center, and serve with butter and sour cream (don’t forget to salt and pepper it to your liking). A little bit of grated cheese makes it all the more delicious!

Bon appetite, Chaperone Partiers!

Exclusive With Marty Ross

KILT!!!

Here at Chaperone Party, we pride ourselves in offering you the latest scoop on some of your favorite teen idols. Recently, one of our reporters sat down with Marty Ross of The New Monkees. Here is the all-exclusive interview!

Chaperone Party: So, Marty, what have you been up to these past couple decades since the New Monkees went off? Any successful side projects?

Marty Ross: BARK!!!

CP: Bark, you say? What is that, the name of your current band?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Ok, Marty, bark to you, too. Let's move on to the next question, shall we. Do you stay in touch with any of your former bandmates?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: What exactly does that mean? Do the four of you maintain contact by barking?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Ok, I'm going to take that as a yes. Next question. Besides music and  television, what are your interests?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Bark? As in tree bark, or candy bark?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Ahh, so you're a fan of both. Very good. What are some of your musical inspirations?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Very profound, Marty, and may I compliment you on the use of the metaphor. As in your song "Boy Inside the Man," tree bark represents a harder, outer shell which houses a softer, sappier core within. I must say, you are quite intelligent.

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Yes, Marty, we've established this... you find inspiration from bark. Anything else inspire you?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Yeah.... you just said that,

MR: BARK!!!

CP: I don't... I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Oh, ok. Yes, it is a shame how society barks at us constantly to conform with what a secular group perceives as "normal." You definitely march to the beat of your own drummer, Marty- can you explain to us what the difference is?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: I see... I see. So you're saying that when society pushes us down and barks in your face, we should shove them aside and bark at them right back?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Excellent choice of words, sir.

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Yes, I quite agree. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we conclude this interview?

MR: BARK!!!

CP: Haha, Marty, so true. So very true.

Mark Hamill Exclusive!

Mark Hamill: Say No to Tooth Decay

Just a friendly reminder from your neighborhood dentist: Just Say No To Tooth Decay.

Star Wars star Mark Hamill is a firm believer in brushing your teeth.
"Up, down, sideways or circular motion- sometimes even in squares," he stated in an interview with Chaperone Party. "Triangular toothbrushes tend not to work, because they're a little hard to fit in your mouth."

"If you want healthy teeth, you don't need a lightsaber. Just grab a brush and some toothpaste!"

Duran Duran's Keyboardist Turns Into Eggplant; May Have New Gig With California Raisins

Nick Rhodes: Diagnosed with Eggplantitus

Tragedy has struck for Duranies everywhere.

Nick Rhodes, keyboardist and songwriter for '80s supergroup Duran Duran, has been diagnosed with a rare condition which turns the skin purple.

Fans the world over are devastated, reports Duran's lead frontman, Simon LeBon.

"It's horrible, really. The fans are completely devastated, and we are devastated, too. Nick has been a brother to me for the past 30 years, and I intend to stand by him every minute of his new, tragic journey. While we wish that he could continue on indefinitely with the band, reality tells us that this simply will not be possible... as the disease progresses, he will become (less of a human and) more... like an eggplant.

Nick Rhodes seems to be keeping good spirits, despite the disaster.
"Well, you know, I always fancied the color purple," he told Chaperone Party with a giggle. "I guess now you can say it's rather becoming on me."

Former guitarist Andy Taylor sent his condolences to the band, but asked for the press to respect his privacy at this time.

"Look at the bright side," Rhodes purportedly quipped. "I hear the California Raisins are always hiring."